Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Three Hundred & Sixty Five Days

ugly grave site
Today was the one year anniversary of my mothers death.   We drove to the cemetery and laid some flowers and a red heart balloon on her grave site.  Sitting there crying and laughing was very emotional and stressful.  Each in our own private thoughts we sat there silently staring either at the grave or out into space...............there is no comfort besides just being there with each other. 

To make matters worse we can't buy real flowers because the heat from the desert sun dries them up in a few hours.   So we buy the prettiest fake flowers we can find and stick them in a vase or the urn that is there.   At the same time hoping that the winds won't blow them away.   LOL

It felt like a scene from the Twilight Zone, surreal in so many ways. Being there I felt funny as if I wasn't really there; too hard to explain it just felt weird.   Talking about her in the past tense just didn't seem right either, almost as if it was disrespectful.   I know she's gone but I still can't talk about her as if she was somebody from the past.   She was and still is a very  real presence in my life.   There isn't one day that I don't see something that reminds me of her.   I wish we had been able to spend more quality time together before she died.   All I have now are memories and the things we shared from the past with each other.        

I was very disappointed with the grave site.   The grass is yellow and over grown because the water well broke and its being repaired so they are using sprinkler hoses to water the lawns.   The grave marker hasn't been put on her plot, apparently it won't be ready for a few more weeks.   Truthfully thats what made me cry the most because a whole year has gone by with only a little plaque the size of a post card with her name and the birth/death dates on it!   THAT IS SO VERY SAD TO ME.

Dad got very hurt when I said I wouldn't be going back after they install the marker on the grave.   I don't understand the point in sitting by a plot of dirt feeling sad because she's buried in the ground.   I will go to make sure that everything  looks right and there are no mistakes on the printing, and that the photograph of my parents looks good and they return my original picture back.

Love you Mom♥

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