Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Teardrops Keep On Falling

The pain of losing anyone is very emotional and painful, but losing a mother is the worst ever.    Even today a year later there isn't a day that goes by when  I don't see something that reminds me of my mother.

After the one year anniversary of her passing last month I promised myself to move on; even though I know that I'll probably be sad for the rest of my life.   I feel like an orphan even though I still have my dad.   I thank God for the many years I had her in my life.   

Looking at pictures of mom I still get very sad and depressed for a while, but its just that a photo.   Soooo,  today seeing a video clip on Face Book that someone posted of mom and my nephew Nick,  I completely lost it.   It's a three minute clip, I felt as if a fist had socked me in the chest.   Hearing  her voice as she's talking to us, felt as if I was right there in that room again.   

I cried like a baby for a long long long time, and  NO!  I didn't feel better afterward.   I felt drained and exhausted and then I cried even more.   Suddenly I realized  this was the first time I had really bawled and I was grieving for my mom who is no longer here with me.     At the time of her death I was numb with pain and  felt physically sick, but was also trying to keep my composure around my dad.   Now I ask myself  'WHY'?     Aren't people supposed to cry at funerals and expect help from family,  not the other way around?     With all the planning and arrangements that needed to be taken care of  and making sure dad didn't lose it since he looked terrible, there was  really no time  to cry. 

Mom & Nick
Then we lost my mother-in-law just a short two weeks later.   Being surrounded by sadness again was so traumatic, trying  to console my husband and being there for him and his family.    I feel deprived  (I use that word selfishly) of grieving for my mother and not being able to say good-bye. 

* There were many wonderful friends who helped with the reception after the burial and family who stood by me while I went through the process of paper work.*

 I am forever grateful to them.   Love you all

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