Wednesday, June 9, 2010

The Final Stage

Our tree of life began with many twigs that eventually became branches, these branches extended out in different directions and filled with leaves in different colors.  The fullness of our tree depends on how large our family is or becomes. Green leaves are beautiful and signify the beginning of our life and as they turn color it means that  we are about to lose one of our branches.   Which means that we are going thru different experiences in our lives.

My mothers tree was never very big and is now very bare with yellow leaves and a few green ones here and there.  She comes from a very large family of nine siblings, yet she herself had only two children.  I always wondered about this and decided to ask what happened or if there had been a problem.  To my surprise she and my dad decided that since they had a boy and a girl they didn't need anymore children.  (Never mind that all my life I was very lonely and always wished that I had a sister or another brother.) Now that Im older and going thru this experience of having to deal with the disease and the possibility of her passing I wish I had someone to turn to when I need to vent or cry, but there is no one. 

Mom is now in a nursing home that is locked down because they have several patients in the same condition as her and some like to wander.  I am having guilt feelings for placing her in this facility and because Im not able to keep her home and take care of her.  Even tho I know she is where she can receive the care that I can't give her.  Just knowing that she is in the final phases of this disease and that she may pass any day is is really taking its toll on me and my dad.  I have noticed he is not doing so well and know that I'll be repeating these steps with him someday.  Hopefully it won't be for a long time because I don't think I could go thru it right away. I have already said goodbye to the mom I knew and Im trusting in the Lord to help me and give me strength to help this new woman til her time to pass comes.  

I am so thankful that I know the Lord and that he is in my heart, and to know I can turn to him in my troubled moments.  My parents don't.  It hurts my heart to not know how God will deal with them or anyone else that does not know Him.

Pray for me..........

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