Saying Good Bye

 My precious mom took her final breath on Monday June 14, 2010 at 3:35 pm.  I am hurting deep inside I cannot explain the feeling.  Its like as if there is an empty space inside, I can't eat or sleep.  I believe she suffered alot toward the end even tho she was being kept as comfortable as possible. Mom never complained when she was sick or wouldn't go to doctors, she always said she was 'ok' because she didn't want us to worry about her.  I believe that even on her death bed she kept her pain from us for that same reason because I never heard her cry out. 

My brother, dad, myself and my son Paul & daughter Tiffany stayed at the nursing home day and night.  I never left her side for fear that she would slip away while I was gone.  I prayed and asked the Lord to take her and stop her suffering and also to have mercy on her soul.  The doctors and nurses said that the last to go is your hearing.  I know that she heard us when we spoke to her because she would move or jerk her body in response to our voices.  I told her to ask the Lord to come into her heart and to repent of her sins and ask Him to forgive her and take her into his kingdom.  My spanish is only for my family I don't speak very well, but that day I know the Holy Spirit allowed words to come out of my mouth that she understood.  

My parents are Catholics and I did not want to offend them by asking someone from my church to come pray over her.  Yet, I felt a need so great for prayer and asked the Lord to intervene the way He had done the whole week she had been in the nursing home.  My Lord never fails!!!  As I prayed and talked to my mother the door opened and a man walked in & introduced himself as a Pastor.  He said he had come to pray for my mom,  I thought my dad was going to say no because he wasn't a priest!  To my surprise dad allowed this man of God to pray over my mother and then sat quietly afterward as he spoke to all of us.  Within the next two hours three more Pastors all affiliated with the Hospice program walked into the room one by one at different times to pray for my mother.   The last one told my dad he was also a grief counselor and that he would come day or night to his house to pray or talk to him after my mother passed.  I was rejoicing within because of the way the Lord answered my prayers. I asked for a Pastor and he sent three!!

At the end there was a change in her movements and somehow we knew this was it. I asked that she say goodbye.   She opened her eyes and looked right at me then towards my brother, dad, and Tiffany.  Her eyes took in the entire room and then she slowly closed her eyes and took her last breath.

I miss my mother so much it hurts thinking she isn't next door or outside, but I am so grateful that the Lord took her when he did.  Dementia had escalated so rapidly that eventually she wouldn't even recognize any of us. Now I know she's not blind anymore and she can see, and her mind is clear.............until we meet again I love you mom..

RIP ♥

The Final Stage

            

 
Our tree of life began with many twigs that eventually became branches, these branches extended out in different directions and filled with leaves in different colors.  The fullness of our tree depends on how large our family is or becomes. Green leaves are beautiful and signify the beginning of our life and as they turn color it means that  we are about to lose one of our branches.   Which means that we are going thru different experiences in our lives.

My mothers tree was never very big and is now very bare with yellow leaves and a few green ones here and there.  She comes from a very large family of nine siblings, yet she herself had only two children.  I always wondered about this and decided to ask what happened or if there had been a problem.  To my surprise she and my dad decided that since they had a boy and a girl they didn't need anymore children.  (Never mind that all my life I was very lonely and always wished that I had a sister or another brother.) Now that Im older and going thru this experience of having to deal with the disease and the possibility of her passing I wish I had someone to turn to when I need to vent or cry, but there is no one. 

Mom is now in a nursing home that is locked down because they have several patients in the same condition as her and some like to wander.  I am having guilt feelings for placing her in this facility and because Im not able to keep her home and take care of her.  Even tho I know she is where she can receive the care that I can't give her.  Just knowing that she is in the final phases of this disease and that she may pass any day is is really taking its toll on me and my dad.  I have noticed he is not doing so well and know that I'll be repeating these steps with him someday.  Hopefully it won't be for a long time because I don't think I could go thru it right away. I have already said goodbye to the mom I knew and Im trusting in the Lord to help me and give me strength to help this new woman til her time to pass comes.  

I am so thankful that I know the Lord and that he is in my heart, and to know I can turn to him in my troubled moments.  My parents don't.  It hurts my heart to not know how God will deal with them or anyone else that does not know Him.

Pray for me..........

One Mind & One Accord

How does the mind work? The mind is very complex and a very interesting choice of study. We know that the left side of your brain controls the right side and vice versa. It is known that we retain the most information that we will learn in our entire life around the age of two thru five. The mind can retain photographic memories and put them in a file somewhere deep in the brain, so that as we grow older we may choose to remember or not.  Yes the brain can also hide many things that have occurred in our lives and that we choose not to remember.

While growing up our memory retains most of the good and happy times in our lives, such as parties, friends, places, and good friends. We remember the bad memories but don't talk about them by choice.  As adults we remember and cherish our memories of child birth, our childrens accomplishments, and even the sad and unhappy events. Sometimes our minds choose to forget sad hurtful events, but this is by choice. When the mind starts to skip and wander forcing us to think of some memory and we can't is when the problems start.

Doctors used to say that when you reached your golden years or become a senior citizen we tend to become forgetful and lose our concentration so we are senile. This has changed and now it is called Dementia.

Dementia is a disease that eats up the brain cells and you lose all or most of your short term memory depending at what stage of the disease your in. Yet the long term memory is there and many things from the past can be remembered vividly.  As your brain cells deteriorate your moods also change and a person can even become violent. At this point it is wise to put the person in a special home where they can be taken care of by professionals.  My mothers doctor explained that the only way to get some kind of idea as to how this disease works the mind is to picture a window screen and look at all the tiny little holes it has.  She went on to say that as the screen gets older the holes open up or tear and get bigger and bigger.  The outcome is that we finally need to get a new screen because there is nothing there to protect us from whatever.  Unfortunately  that is what happens to the brain cells, they start to shrink until the brain itself  is so small there is no memory left.  We cannot buy a new mind or get a brain transplant so eventually when all memory is gone it is then called Alzheimers and the person we knew is no longer there.  

My mother has this disease called Dementia and it has been very sad and painful watching the many changes she has gone thru.  She hardly has any short term memory,  yet because of  the long term memory she is able to tell me things from her past that happened in detail.  I have had many interesting conversations with her about the past and all that transpired.  She tells me stories about people that I have never met or knew.  In these conversations with her I have realized what a pampered child and young adult she was before she married.  The suffering she endured after she got married and to what extremes she went thru to keep her secrets buried inside her head.  Now because of the Dementia she speaks out and doesn't care who knows or hears what she is saying.

As I sit here writing this crying for the mom I knew who is gone mentally, she is in the hospital after a big set back.  The doctors are trying to help us find a home that will accept her and to speed up the Med-ical qualification.  They are aware of the danger she is to herself now and for us to not be able to watch her 24 hrs a day.   I pray that God take her and end her misery, this may be wrong to ask for, but she is suffering so much.  She has pnemunia and an infection, is having hallucinations and all the negative side of this disease is coming out.  My only regret is that my mother never knew the Lord as her personal savior as I do.  She was a good woman all her life and I know the Lord is merciful......Thy Will Be Done..........

Where did the month of April go?

Today I realized that it was already the month of June

The month of April  passed by so fast I feel as if I've been under water everyday.  I went places and did things just so I could actually feel the air and smell the flowers. 

There were graduations, baby showers, birthdays and sneak getaways, but I don't remember too much.  I have been so busy with my parents and all their many doctor appointments and their daily living  that each day just blended into the next.

We are trying to find a good convalescent home for my mom but they are so expensive that we have hit a block wall.  She needs constant attention and we (the family) realize that no one has the kind of money that will provide this care.   I never realized that it would be such a hassle to put someone in a home.

Being a senior citizen and sick is very sad because the system can only help if you have the means to pay for treatment or are so poor with no income.  If there is a retirement fund such as a pension and social security payments you may not qualify.  My mother does not qualify because there is too much money in the piggy bank. 

I am so tired and hyper at the same time staying up late at night trying to come up with a solution.  I pray that God will intervene and give us  the answer or make a way for my mother to receive the care she needs.

Don't Talk To Me Im Counting!

Today is Monday and I had planned to crochet on my new project which needs to be finished by tomorrow night for the baby shower.  It has been a very busy morning,  I have either been on the phone or people have been dropping in and now my hub is home from work!!!  Where did the time go?  It was 9:00am when I sat down and it is now 3:00!


First  my daughter Tiffany text me and everyone else that my my son-in-law was scheduled for surgery on Wednesday at 7:30 am.  He has been having many problems with his back, neck, arms and hands after he was re-injured in the same area  HIS NECK.   Hopefully all the suffering and pain he's been going thru will end on Wednesday  God willing.    Of course once our family found out about all this everyone begin calling me for information since they couldn't get a hold of my daughter who is at work and cannot receive phone calls.  I crochet a row in between the phone calls and am getting no where fast lol.


Dino came to install the new Norton virus cd for me and it took quite a while, but I don't care because now I won't get any Trojan horses running across my screen lol.  I had been hoping that Nancy would come and do what she did last year and save me the expense, but she is too busy working.


My daughter-in-law Sylvia called to fill me in on my granddaughters' progress in school and just to chat for a while (1 hr haha).  We don't really talk as much as we once did so I didn't want to hang up.   Besides I love to hear about Monica and  Danelle since I hardly see them anymore.  Funny when they are babies and lil girls they can't get enough of being with grandma, and once they grow into teenagers they don't have time...sob.  She also let me know that things are going smooth for her now that she is in her 6th mo pregnancy.  The baby's name may be Anthony or Damien or both lol.  I finally found out what theme she may use for the baby's room.  Her little girl Alicia will have to share rooms with her new baby brother so she's thinking of having  Raggedy Ann & Andy as the docor.  This makes it so much easier for me as to what to crochet and the colors to use ....wheww.


My nephew Danny called to say that he was bringing his mother and my uncle Joe to visit with my parents for a while.  More interruptions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Oh well I really don't mind because they hardly ever come over.   My mom and dad are lonely and don't have any relatives near by that they can visit,  so this was a welcome surprise for them.


Just as I picked up my crochet hook my granddaughter walked in the door and said she was making bean & cheese burritos for dinner.  Her brother lil Dino walked in and saw what she was making and of course he wanted one too.  Then Tiffany walked in and sat down to chat with me and go over the surgery details for Wednesday.   Her husband came in shortly and we all sat around my little 'computer room'  watching You Tube listening to Pentecostal singing.  I love this room it is so cozy and comfy.  This is where I sit and read my daily bread and look out at the rainbow of colors the Lord sends my way every day.  This is my favorite room where I pray, cry, work on my computer, crochet on my many projects  and blog on my blog.  Needless to say I am not going to finish unless I stay up all night long.


PPss I only have 3 rooms lol

Cherries for Mothers Day

My husband had a surprise for me on Mothers day, he said we had to get up dressed and out of the house early.  I thought he wanted to go see his mother in LA,  but I had told him that she was going to church with his sister and wouldn't be home.  After trying to find out where we were going and getting no where I decided to just go along and see where he took me. 

When we got on the fwy going towards Barstow I thought  "we're going to Vegas!!"  oops wrong again.  He got on Hwy 138 going west and I couldn't imagine where we were going.   My brother Daniel lives in Canyon Country & was supposed to come to our house to take mom to lunch or dinner depending on what time he arrived.  Since I spoke to him right before we left my house & assured me he was coming in the late afternoon.  Ummm unless we were picking  him up and his girlfriend Nancy would go later for him,  hmmmm I just couldn't imagine what the deal was.   I also knew we weren't going to see my uncle Tony who lives in Filmore, because he doesn't like unexpected visits.

Helen a friend & co-worker used to go to Little Rock all the time & buy lugs of peaches.  That's how it became a favorite place of mine and we have been going there for years since our kids were small.   There are tiny little towns surrounded by farms & orchards.  At some of the farms you can enter and pick peaches off the trees.  Most of these peaches are big, ripe, sweet, juicy & delish.  I like to browse in all the antique shops and the outdoor yard sales.  Charlie Brown is also a favorite store that has lots of things to look at including food.  We always buy peaches and grapes, couple bags of  pistachios and a couple of giant pickles, my mouth is watering already just talking about those pickles.  We always end the day eating  lunch at one of the little restaurants on the strip and then drive back home.


This was my surprise!   About a month ago I had told my hub of a conversation I had with a sister from our church. She knew that I was having a lot of problems with my left foot getting swollen and not being able to wear shoes. She told me that she had heard or read that cherries could probably help me with the problem I have.  If I eat six (6) cherries a day for a month its supposed to stop the swelling.   There was just one problemo.......cherries were not in season yet.  That was why we came to be in Little Rock, to see if they had cherries.  They did and we stopped when we saw a  big sign that read  RIPE CHERRIES.  My hub got off and bought 2 bags.  I think this was the sweetest thing he could have done for me.  Only he knows how much I suffer from swelling and cramping on my foot.

Maybe this  will work and maybe it won't, but one thing I'm sure of is that I love my hub for thinking of me and driving almost 2 hrs just to see if Charlie Browns had any cherries .  ♥♥

My brother and Nancy along with her daughter Katherine (who we all met for the first time) got to my house shortly after we did.  We took mom  to El Torito restaurant and she seemed to be enjoying herself.   I know she was happy to see her son who hadn't come around for weeks,  I only hope she remembers this day.

Walking Down The Aisle

I woke up early today so I could be ready when my friend Corrine came to pick me up. We had made plans the night before to go to Joann's Fabric store.   After I finished my usual daily routine of making my bed and picking up here and there I sat down to crochet on my new project while I waited for her.

She called around noon to ask if I would like to go eat lunch and that her husband was with her.  We ate at a  small Chinese restaurant near where I live and it was nice just talking and laughing while we waited for her daughter to come and join us.   I decided to ask my hub to go with me so I asked Corrine to drop me off at my house.     

After an afternoon siesta we left and went to the Dollar Tree store to look for Mother's Day cards for both our moms.  There were plenty of cards but no envelopes and the entire card section was a mess.  Ross store is right next door so I went and returned some towels I bought and don't want after all.

Finally we head on out to Joann's and I was amazed at all the sales there were. Everything was marked 40%, 50%, & even 90% off many items   I went through every aisle in the store or so it seemed and then I felt it.  A cramp was starting to form on the heel of my left foot and suddenly it happened so fast I almost fell over.  I couldn't walk and I know if anyone was looking at me they thought I must be crazy. I was hitting my foot on anything, the floor the edge of the tables etc.  It hurt soooo bad and I tried calling my hub but he didn't answer his cell.  I decided to limp as best I could towards the cashiers and pay for my stuff.  Any normal person would have just walked away and left everything there, not me.  I had found so many things at such wonderful prices I wasn't about to leave anything behind.

When I limped out of the store I had four bags full of yarn, easter items and a few other things I just couldn't resist.  The best part was the total, it came out to just $19.42.  Today was senior discount day on the total amount spent!  I  was so excited I almost forgot about my foot until I tried to walk out of the store.